Comedy Thread

[Delta Prime]

An old man is sitting at the bar in a run-down joint, the only customer. The door bursts open, and this young tough in workout clothes bounds in. He looks around, sees the old man, grabs him, thrashes him, and leaves him unconscious on the floor. The young man looks at the bartender and says, “When that old geezer wakes up, tell him that was jiujitsu from Japan.”
A month or so later, the old man is back in the bar with a cast on one arm and a cane by his side. The door bursts open, the same young man bounds in, and again he proceeds to beat the old man in unconsciousness. Before he leaves, he turns to the appalled bartender and says, “When that ancient wreck comes to, tell him that was karate from Korea.”
About three months later, the old man is back in the bar, now with a neck brace and crutches. Sure enough, the door bursts open, the young man bounds in, and the bartender thinks, “I can’t watch this,” and buries his face in his hands. There are crashes, thuds, howls of pain, crunching sounds, and finally silence. The bartender looks up and is startled to see the young man on the floor, unconscious and with blood pooling around his head. The old man, blood spattered, is standing over him with a grim smile on his lips. He looks up at the bartender and says,
“When that young punk wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”

 

[Delta Prime]

Why was Heisenberg’s wife unhappy?
Because whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time.

 

[Delta Prime]

A blond gets hired on a construction site.
At lunchtime she sees one on the guys with a metal cylinder and asks him “what is that?” He says it’s a Thermos.
She asks what it does, he says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
This fascinated the blond and she had to get one for herself.
The next week, she proudly pulls her thermos out at lunch.
The man who spoke to her the week prior says “I see you got a Thermos” to which the blond answered “yes!”
The man asked her “What you got In there?”
The blond answered “Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!”

 

[Delta Prime]

A man asks his iPhone:
“Siri, why am I still single?!”
Siri activates front camera.

Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”

It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
A pair of birds.

Did you know... "virgin wool" comes from ugly sheep?

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

A husband and a wife are having dinner at a nice restaurant.
The woman drops some tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"

A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken?"

 

[Delta Prime]

A rabbit goes into the shop, banged on the counter and said “pound of carrots please!”
The shopkeeper tells the rabbit “I can sell you a pound of carrots but please don’t bang on the counter”
Next day the rabbit does exactly the same thing, bangs on the counter, “pound of carrots please!”
The shopkeeper says “I’ll sell you the carrots, don’t bang on the counter!”
Next day, rabbit bangs on the counter, “pound of carrots please!”
The shopkeeper is very angry now, “ I’m gonna sell you the carrots but if you come banging tomorrow I’m going to nail your paws to the counter!”
Next day the rabbit goes into the shop and starts looking around quizzically then says “got any nails?”
“No” the shopkeeper replies.
The rabbit bangs on the counter,
“Pound of carrots please!”

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

Two racehorses were cantering along a beach and one says to the other, “ how’s your races going?”
“Well good actually. I won the 3:30 at Chepstow on Saturday. We were all waiting for the start when a small gap opened in my stall. The gun went off and I got away first and kept the lead right to the finish.”
The other horse says, “that’s unbelievable - the exact same thing happened to me at Ascot at the 3:30 on Saturday! A small gap my stall opened up and I led from start to finish.”
Just then a greyhound catches up with the horses and says, “I was just listening to your conversation and incredibly the same thing happened to me. Saturday 3:30 at White City, a small gap opened up in my starting box. The gun went off and I got away first and led to the end!”
One horse looks at the other horse astonished and says, “Oh my god, a talking dog!!”

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in.
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.
The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

 

[73's de Edd]

https://ifunny.co/video/S02Q3FctA?s=cl

(Turn DOWN the background sound)

 

[Delta Prime]

A lady goes to Walmart to get her husband a rod and reel for his birthday. She sees a man wearing dark glasses and asks him for help. He says, “Actually I’m blind but if you drop one on the counter I can tell you what you need to know about it”. She picks one up and drops it on the counter. He says, “That’s a six foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel with ten pound test line which is $20”. She’s impressed and says she’ll take it.
She bends over to get her purse and farts. She’s embarrassed but realizes she’s the only person besides the salesman. He says, “That’ll be [imath]25.50, please”. She says, “I thought it was[/imath]20”. He says, “The rod and reel are [imath]20, the duck call is[/imath]3 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thanks for shopping at Walmart”.

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[73's de Edd]

Re post . . . #612 (3 posts back)
By the looks of that BACK support line . . . . . . that darn cat has done that 1 1/2 times before. . . . . . .

(DELTA PRIME . . . . . . . get a compass ! . . . . . . . unless you work in that building shown.) + Your posts link is not HOT linked .

 

[Delta Prime]

Okay? Now I'm lost!

 

[Delta Prime]

By the looks of that BACK support line . . . . . . that darn cat has done that 1 1/2 times before. . . . . . .

I love cats I wouldn't throw him down into a Mobius strip he will be repeating himself for eternity. In real life two human beings are doing that already.

 

[Martaine2005]

I love cats I wouldn't throw him down into a Mobius strip he will be repeating himself for eternity. In real life two human beings are doing that already.

A mobious strip? And the cat has done 1 1/2 times?.
You worry me sometimes with your posts.
But all is good because I know I AM sane!.

 

[Delta Prime]

A mobious strip?

Yes! my good friend. You're thinking of a classical figure eight Mobius strip! but a triangular Mobius strip can be made from a piece of paper that has a length that's √3, or about 1.73, times its width.

You worry me sometimes with your posts

I know! but you are my rock. You pull me back down to earth and I thank you for that.

But all is good because I know I AM sane!.

Yes, you are sane.
But the world would not be the same; without a few nuts in it!
It's what happens when most of your career has been spent in a research & development laboratory.
Sometimes they let me out.
Would you happen to know how to get out of a straight jacket?
that's no joke!

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[73's de Edd]

Re referencing your #618. . . .
The " And the cat has done 1 1/2 times "
is referring to the first spill which was done by the left support cord being gnawed thru. It then gets repaired by the knot there. THEN just before the knot is a prior 1/2 gnaw thru on that same cord.
Until . . . . . . the cat then moved on to a pristine cord.