Comedy Thread

[davenn]

 

[73's de Edd]

 

[Delta Prime]

Two police officers saw an old woman stumbling out of a local bar & instead of taking her to jail they decided to drive her home. One officer got in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove around the streets they keep asking her where she lived. The drunk old woman would grab the police officers arm & say "you're passionate" they drove a while longer & asked again.
"where do you live".
The drunk old woman strokes the officers arm & says. "You're passionate". Frustrated the police officer stops the car and says look lady we're trying to take you home.So where the heck do you live. The drunk old lady says "I keep trying to tell you... You're passing it".

 

[bertus]

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[Delta Prime]

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

 

[davenn]

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science.

havent seen that one for so long

 

[Delta Prime]

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

 

[Delta Prime]

My coffee cup!

 

[Delta Prime]

 

[bertus]

 

[Delta Prime]

But it's not practical like mine...

 

[davenn]

 

[Delta Prime]

How many straya's does it take to change a light bulb?
Ask a kiwi!

 

[Delta Prime]

A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The American says, “That's nothing.”

He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."

The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can f++k right off, sir!”

The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

 

[Bluejets]

Dad used to wash carby parts during repairs in an old cake tin with petrol.
We were telling our neighbour how the cat came in the shed and drank the petrol, after all he was a workshop cat.
Next thing we know, cat was off running flat out around the workshop, must have done 10 laps, then just dropped.
Neighbour said" what, dead?"

Dad said " nahhh...ran out of petrol!!!"

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[bertus]