Mathematical jokes

[Paul Burke]

Hi all,

Anyone know any rip-roaringly amusing mathematical jokes? I mean, of
the non-binary kind, since although they were side-splittingly funny,
we did cover those a few months back.

After the Flood subsided, Noah released the animals from the Ark two by
two, and as each left, blessed them saying "Go forth and multiply." All
went fine, the lions, the elephants, the rats, the cows, the lizards...
until a couple of snakes came along. "Go forth and multiply," beamed
Noah. "We can't," replied the snakes, "We're adders". Noah's expression
turned to one of annoyance. "Well, I can't help you now," he responded
irritably, "Go and wait over by the woodpile there, and I'll sort you
out when I've finished with the others."

Hours later, the Ark empty, Noah was just going for a well earned rest
when he remembered the snakes. Resignedly he went over to the woodpile,
where to his surprise he saw not just the two snakes, but Ma and Pa
snake and a whole brood of little ones. Not at all displeased, he said,
"But I thought you were adders, you couldn't multiply."

"We did it by logs," the snakes replied.

Paul Burke

 

[Paul Burridge]

I like this one

http://www2.rpa.net/~dreher/santa.htm

Hmm. I think whoever wrote it got the weight of the Queen Elizabeth
grossly underestimated.

 

[Keith R. Williams]

There was this experimental mathematician that had a conjecture that all
odd numbers were prime.

He starts off, the first odd number 1 is prime, ahmm..the 2nd odd is 3,
yep that's prime, what about the 3rd, that's 5. Doing well he
thought...the next odd is 7, wow, great he thought, what's next, ermmm
9, but wait that's divisible by 3, that's not prime. However, I'll
continue anyway, he mussed. well, the next is 11, super...that's prime,
what about the next odd one, well 13.. magic he thought. That's prime as
well. So case closed, all odd numbers are prime, 9 must just have been
an experimental error.

All non-prime odd numbers are divisible by odd primes, so the rule for
'9' ought to cover all other odd numbers. He's right on target.

 

[Jim Thompson]

On 16 Nov 2003 19:45:59 -0800, [email protected] (Frank
Raffaeli) wrote:

[snip]

This guy bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I
just won the lottery!"

She says," Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?"

He replies," I don't care....Just get the **** out!!!"

That's more than a joke. I know a guy at Motorola in the late '60's
who went to the credit union and took out a "home improvement" loan,
went home and paid his wife off to get out ;-)

...Jim Thompson

 

[Paul Hovnanian P.E.]

As everyone knows, time is money and knowledge is power.

Given: Power = Work / Time

Substitute knowledge for power and money for time in the above equation
and re-arrange the terms. You get:

Money = Work / Knowledge

Which means the less you know, the more you get paid for doing the same
work.

This is known as the management equation (I think Scott Adams first
published this in a Dilbert cartoon).

 

[Tom Del Rosso]

In John Woodgate typed:

No, it has to be alpha, not a. Lower case omega works as well, maybe
better. You can't see the point with a or w. and you really need a
proper infinity sign as well.

Ok, so if you turn it 90 degrees ccw the omega is a 3 and infinity is an
8. But is that funny?

 

[Tim Auton]

In John Woodgate typed:

Ok, so if you turn it 90 degrees ccw the omega is a 3 and infinity is an
8. But is that funny?

It's the limit as omega tends towards infinity, the joke is about the
shape of the characters morphing. omega makes it too obvious, which is
why I think alpha is better.

Whether that's funny or not is another question


Tim

 

[onestone]

Not so much a joke, but an observation, has it occurred to anyone else
that 69 and 0110 are both visually apt.
1001

Al

 

[Daniel Haude]

On Mon, 17 Nov 2003 12:26:34 -0000,

There was this experimental mathematician that had a conjecture that all
odd numbers were prime.

No that joke is different: It's about a mathematician (M), a physicist
(P)and an engineer (I) testig the hypothesis that all odd numbers are
prime.

M: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 -- isn't prime: hypothesis is
wrong."

P: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 -- experimental
error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime..."

I: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime,
13 is prime..."

....which all goes to show that this kind of joke is exceedingly dull.

--Daniel

 

[Tom Del Rosso]

In Tim Auton typed:

It's the limit as omega tends towards infinity, the joke is about the
shape of the characters morphing. omega makes it too obvious, which is
why I think alpha is better.

Whether that's funny or not is another question

And why is alpha supposed to look like 3?

 

[Joe Legris]

It's the limit as omega tends towards infinity, the joke is about the
shape of the characters morphing. omega makes it too obvious, which is
why I think alpha is better.

Whether that's funny or not is another question


Tim

Sigh.

What makes something funny? It is often because of a fresh take on a
familiar situation. We are led down the garden path to find that it
drops off a cliff. Now that's funny.

 

[Ben Pope]

In Tim Auton typed:


And why is alpha supposed to look like 3?

It's not... as alpha tends to infinity, 3 tends to 8. The alpha and the
three are not supposed to be alike, only the way in which them change.

Ben

 

[Rileyesi]

Anyone know any rip-roaringly amusing mathematical jokes? I mean, of

the non-binary kind, since although they were side-splittingly funny,
we did cover those a few months back

"Rip-roaring"??? No. "Dumb"??? SURE!

Q: What is the indefinite integral of a houseboat?

A: log Cabin + C (get it...+ SEA)!

Sorry...

 

[Paul Hovnanian P.E.]

This isn't exactly mathematical, but for anyone who has delt with
descriptions of control algorithms and the like:

INERTIAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM SIMPLIFIED

We are not sure who the author of the following article is,
however we feel that the article is one of the best, clearly
defined descriptions of the magic that resides within the
aircraft's black boxes.

The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this
because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from
where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is
the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.

The Inertial Guidance System uses derivations to generate error
signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a
position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a
position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position
where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it
follows logically that the position where it was is now the position
where it isn't.

In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not
the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has
acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors,
the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.

A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and
where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a
factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by
the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction
requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the
variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft
has, so it is sure where it isn't.

Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason)
and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from
where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't
(or vice versa) and integrates the difference with the product
of where in shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the
difference between its deviation and its variation, which is
a variable constant called "error".

 

[John Woodgate]

I read in sci.electronics.design that Paul Hovnanian P.E.

"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

Positively prophetic. We get a lot of stuff that is 'not even wrong' on
Usenet.

 

[Keith R. Williams]

Not so much a joke, but an observation, has it occurred to anyone else
that 69 and 0110 are both visually apt.
1001

Perhaps I don't understand. Sure, 69 = 0110 1001.

This looks more like a pair of bi-couples trading-off in
Sexidecimal.

 

[Keith R. Williams]

"Rip-roaring"??? No. "Dumb"??? SURE!

Q: What is the indefinite integral of a houseboat?

A: log Cabin + C (get it...+ SEA)!

I heard it somewhat differently, being a UIUC grad...

What's the integral of: Lincoln Cabin dCabin

 

[Tom Del Rosso]

In Joe Legris typed:

What makes something funny?

When you are given just enough information to deduce a surprising
conclusion.

It is often because of a fresh take on a
familiar situation. We are led down the garden path to find that it
drops off a cliff. Now that's funny.

That might qualify.

 

[Ben Bradley]

Not so much a joke, but an observation, has it occurred to anyone else
that 69 and 0110 are both visually apt.
1001

A Rudy Rucker SF novel mentions that "in Rome" 69 is LXIX.

 

[Ben Bradley]

Hi all,

Anyone know any rip-roaringly amusing mathematical jokes? I mean, of
the non-binary kind, since although they were side-splittingly funny,
we did cover those a few months back.

I must have missed that thread, though I've seen the "10 kinds of
people" joke as someone's tagline.
But I have both a highbrow (?) and a lowbrow (!), neither of which
has been seen by me so far here (what's the etiquette for this thread,
should I apologize in advance?):

A mathematician and an engineer both approached a woman
asymptotically. The mathematician never touched her, but the engineer
got close enough for all practical purposes.

Why is Six afraid? Because Seven ate Nine.