Understanding Engineers ( jokes)

[martin griffith]

I know most will have seen some of these before, but for those who
havent......

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with
him." "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was
silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding
a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work
but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who
had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer
reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine.

At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The
company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the
lab and get some work done."


martin

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

 

[Aaron Hughes]

Hilarious!

 

[John Fields]

On Tue, 20 Apr 2004 14:42:17 +0100, martin griffith

....

---
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

A priest, an accountant, and an engineer had been convicted of
plotting against the French government and were sent to the guillotine
to be executed. The priest's head was placed on the block first and
when the lanyard was pulled, nothing happened. Believing divine
intervention to be the cause, the priest was absolved of the crime and
released.

Then the guillotine was recocked, the accountant's head placed on the
block and the lanyard pulled again, and again nothing happened, so he
was also released.

Then the guillotine was recocked for the third time and as the
engineer was being led to the block he looked up at the mechanism
holding the knife and said, "Hey, hold on a minute!, I see what's
wrong!"...

 

[Joerg]

Engineer and some friends drive down a pass when the brakes fail. Engineer
manages to scrape the car to a stop along the guard rail and everyone gets
out in a hurry. Engineer to friends: "Hmm, strange. Let's drive back up
the pass and then down again, to see if this is a repetitive problem".

Regards, Joerg.

 

[Alfred Lorona]

Two mechanical engineers were discussing inventions and one said to the
other:

"What is the greatest invention man ever devised?"

After a moments thought the answer was:

"The thermos bottle"

"The thermos bottle? How so?"

"Well, in summer it keeps my tea cold and in winter it keeps my coffee hot.
How does it know?"

Al

 

[N. Thornton]

Engineer and some friends drive down a pass when the brakes fail. Engineer
manages to scrape the car to a stop along the guard rail and everyone gets
out in a hurry. Engineer to friends: "Hmm, strange. Let's drive back up
the pass and then down again, to see if this is a repetitive problem".

Regards, Joerg.

This reminds me of the news articles on runaway cars, where they would
go into full throttle uncontrollably. The picture showed the wall the
driver drove into head on, and died. He'd had several hundred yards
from a standing start to regain control, but evidently didnt.

I was puzzled: there are so many ways to prevent that accident, ways
that just seem obvious. Move the gear shift, turn the ignition key one
click left, spin the car, those are obvious and simple, and there are
plenty more last ditch ways to save your life... yet one could only
conclude the non-engineer driver took not one single step to save his
sorry ass as he hurtled full throttle to his death. I couldnt
understand that.

Maybe some of us are used to taking on things that some would just poo
their pants over.


Regards, NT

 

[Stefan Heinzmann]

This reminds me of the news articles on runaway cars, where they would
go into full throttle uncontrollably. The picture showed the wall the
driver drove into head on, and died. He'd had several hundred yards
from a standing start to regain control, but evidently didnt.

I was puzzled: there are so many ways to prevent that accident, ways
that just seem obvious. Move the gear shift, turn the ignition key one
click left, spin the car, those are obvious and simple, and there are
plenty more last ditch ways to save your life... yet one could only
conclude the non-engineer driver took not one single step to save his
sorry ass as he hurtled full throttle to his death. I couldnt
understand that.

Maybe some of us are used to taking on things that some would just poo
their pants over.

It may well take a while until you get out of the shock and paralysis
and are able to act.

I have heard about such incidents with diesel engines. With some
examples of them, if you fill in too much motor oil they may start to
draw in and burn the oil. Once this happens, neither the gas pedal nor
the ignition key gives you any control over it. The engine is likely to
rev up way beyond the limit, emitting a thick cloud of smoke in the
process. I imagine this sort of thing is spooky enough for many people
to lose the ability to react rationally for a moment.

 

[Pat Ford]

It may well take a while until you get out of the shock and paralysis
and are able to act.

I have heard about such incidents with diesel engines. With some
examples of them, if you fill in too much motor oil they may start to
draw in and burn the oil. Once this happens, neither the gas pedal nor
the ignition key gives you any control over it. The engine is likely to
rev up way beyond the limit, emitting a thick cloud of smoke in the
process. I imagine this sort of thing is spooky enough for many people
to lose the ability to react rationally for a moment.

the runaway car ( audi 5000) was driver error, the brakes can sink much more
HP then the engine can generate. Once Audi started making their cars so you
have to push the brake to get the auto into drive the problem vanished,
interesting cowinkydink eh!

The runaway diesel is a different beast, they have no intake air
restriction, fuel is the sole source of control. If you pour oil down the
intake it will happily burn that. I had a detroit 2 cycle diesel, 6
cyclinder
engine runaway on me. It was in a Gardiner Denver 750 CFM air compressor.
Just the noise it made would scare you. I tried "ragging" the intake (
covered the intake with a rag to cut off the airsupply) it ate the rag. It
died after I hit it with the CO2 extingisher, and a dry chem at the same
time.
Pat

 

[Spehro Pefhany]

the runaway car ( audi 5000) was driver error, the brakes can sink much more
HP then the engine can generate. Once Audi started making their cars so you
have to push the brake to get the auto into drive the problem vanished,
interesting cowinkydink eh!

Apparently the gas and brake pedals were closer together than is
usual, so that might be considered a design error. Though, I had one
for years and didn't notice anything odd about it, nor did I run into
anything with it. Nice handling, very rigid, and light car.

The runaway diesel is a different beast, they have no intake air
restriction, fuel is the sole source of control. If you pour oil down the
intake it will happily burn that. I had a detroit 2 cycle diesel, 6
cyclinder
engine runaway on me. It was in a Gardiner Denver 750 CFM air compressor.
Just the noise it made would scare you. I tried "ragging" the intake (
covered the intake with a rag to cut off the airsupply) it ate the rag.

I suppose you could just put your hand over the intake if it wasn't
too large, but that might not occur to me in the heat of the moment.

Best regards,
Spehro Pefhany

 

[Stefan Heinzmann]

I suppose you could just put your hand over the intake if it wasn't
too large, but that might not occur to me in the heat of the moment.

If you can spare the hand for the rest of your life...

 

[Spehro Pefhany]

If you can spare the hand for the rest of your life...

Why? The vacuum level is pretty low on a diesel and even if it was a
pure vaccum it still would be less than 100lbs for any reasonable
size.

Best regards,
Spehro Pefhany

 

[Richard Henry]

This reminds me of the news articles on runaway cars, where they would
go into full throttle uncontrollably. The picture showed the wall the
driver drove into head on, and died. He'd had several hundred yards
from a standing start to regain control, but evidently didnt.

I was puzzled: there are so many ways to prevent that accident, ways
that just seem obvious. Move the gear shift, turn the ignition key one
click left, spin the car, those are obvious and simple, and there are
plenty more last ditch ways to save your life... yet one could only
conclude the non-engineer driver took not one single step to save his
sorry ass as he hurtled full throttle to his death. I couldnt
understand that.

I have been a passenger in one of those runaway car incidents. We were
returning from a day of skiing, and we came around a corner to find traffic
backed up a long way from an intersection. The driver (the engineer wife of
a friend) stomped on the accelerator rather than the brake. Seeing that the
car would not stop no matter how hard she pressed on what she thought was
the brake, she turned right through a snowbank and up a short, steep hill,
eventually coming to rest against the underside of a stout tree branch at
the top of the hill. Somewhere in there she released the pressure on the
accelerator.

Maybe some of us are used to taking on things that some would just poo
their pants over.

And the world's best engineer joke:

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer were convicted of plotting against the
French government and sentenced to death on the guillotine. On the
scheduled day of execution, all three were led to the courtyard where the
machine stood.

The priest went first. But as the blade fell, it jammed part way down and
came to a stop. The priest declared "It is the hand of God. You must let
me go." Which they did.

Next up was the lawyer. Again the blade jammed. The lawyer said "In
accordance with established precedent, you must let me go." Which they did.

As the engineer was being led up to the device, he said, "Wait a minute. I
think I see your problem."

 

[Stefan Heinzmann]

Why? The vacuum level is pretty low on a diesel and even if it was a
pure vaccum it still would be less than 100lbs for any reasonable
size.

If it eats rags...

But ok, you're right, it cannot be more than atmospheric pressure allows
for, so the limit would be 100kPa, and if the intake is significantly
smaller than your hand it would have to bear a few hundred Newtons at
most, which won't exactly eat it.

 

[Fred Bloggs]

the runaway car ( audi 5000) was driver error, the brakes can sink
much more HP then the engine can generate. Once Audi started making
their cars so you have to push the brake to get the auto into drive
the problem vanished, interesting cowinkydink eh!

The runaway diesel is a different beast, they have no intake air
restriction, fuel is the sole source of control. If you pour oil down
the intake it will happily burn that. I had a detroit 2 cycle diesel,
6 cyclinder engine runaway on me. It was in a Gardiner Denver 750 CFM
air compressor. Just the noise it made would scare you. I tried
"ragging" the intake ( covered the intake with a rag to cut off the
airsupply) it ate the rag. It died after I hit it with the CO2
extingisher, and a dry chem at the same time. Pat

I would have crimped the living hell out of the fuel line with vice
grips- does it runaway without a fuel source too?

 

[Jim Thompson]

On 6 May 2004 05:45:26 -0700, [email protected] (N. Thornton) wrote:

[snip]

This reminds me of the news articles on runaway cars, where they would
go into full throttle uncontrollably. The picture showed the wall the
driver drove into head on, and died. He'd had several hundred yards
from a standing start to regain control, but evidently didnt.

I was puzzled: there are so many ways to prevent that accident, ways
that just seem obvious. Move the gear shift, turn the ignition key one
click left, spin the car, those are obvious and simple, and there are
plenty more last ditch ways to save your life... yet one could only
conclude the non-engineer driver took not one single step to save his
sorry ass as he hurtled full throttle to his death. I couldnt
understand that.
[snip]
Regards, NT

I rented a car like that from Avis (at LAX) many years ago. The
throttle would stick, sometimes it would release. I managed to get to
my business meeting in Anaheim OK by lifting the throttle up with my
toe.

I then called Avis who opined that "maybe" they could replace the car
"in the morning".

I then opined, "No problem, if I can't stop it I'll just take it out
of gear and blow the engine".

I had a new car in 45 minutes ;-)

...Jim Thompson

 

[Guy Macon]

I have heard about such incidents with diesel engines. With some
examples of them, if you fill in too much motor oil they may start to
draw in and burn the oil. Once this happens, neither the gas pedal nor
the ignition key gives you any control over it. The engine is likely to
rev up way beyond the limit, emitting a thick cloud of smoke in the
process. I imagine this sort of thing is spooky enough for many people
to lose the ability to react rationally for a moment.

I believe that this happened once around a tanker (ship) that
was spilling some sort of hydrocarbon fuel. The diesels in the
tugboats and fireboats started inhaling fumes and running away,
and turning off the engine (which, in a diesel, means turning
off the fuel supply) didn't stop the engines. And of course
most boats don't have shift levers or clutches, so all the crews
could do was hang on and steer...

 

[Guy Macon]

I would have crimped the living hell out of the fuel line with vice
grips- does it runaway without a fuel source too?

Yes.

 

[Tim Wescott]

I would have crimped the living hell out of the fuel line with vice
grips- does it runaway without a fuel source too?

The whole point is that it's running off of the crankcase oil -- you
shut off a diesel by cutting off it's fuel (that's how you throttle it,
for that matter). Assuming that the cutoff valve is functioning
properly you're not _getting_ any fuel.

Incidentally when I was growing up my father came home one day laughing
and cursing. He was a member of a volunteer fire department, and
someone had brought one of the pump rigs in after an alarm and filled it
up with gasoline. Apparently gasoline powers a diesel just fine, but
its viscosity is low enough that the normal fuel shutoff doesn't work --
the better diesel engines also have an emergency air shutoff valve,
which is what they had to use.

 

[Phil Hobbs]

I believe that this happened once around a tanker (ship) that
was spilling some sort of hydrocarbon fuel. The diesels in the
tugboats and fireboats started inhaling fumes and running away,
and turning off the engine (which, in a diesel, means turning
off the fuel supply) didn't stop the engines. And of course
most boats don't have shift levers or clutches, so all the crews
could do was hang on and steer...

Brr. If true, they're lucky they weren't airborne.

Cheers,

Phil Hobbs

 

[N. Thornton]

N. Thornton wrote:

It may well take a while until you get out of the shock and paralysis
and are able to act.

Thats where I think the difference is. I'm used to addressing
questions of safety, handling dangerous kit and situations, and
managing things going wrong. I see every situation in life as having
risks, and a series of fallback options. So I already know the
options, know the drill, and quickly put it into action. With non
engineers these things have never even crossed their minds, they have
no concept of safety, they havent a clue what to do, and when crap
goes down they turn stupid and act like jelly.

When the brakes failed it didnt phase me cos I'm an engineer. I just
stopped a bit further along than I would have liked. Pumped them,
applied handbrake, changed course to give longer stop space, hit the
gears... fairly simple stuff.

The car I saw on the news drove 300 yards from a standing start: thats
a fair few seconds and a fair few options.


Regards, NT